Holiday Guide For Blended Families

My ex-husband's family is this warm loving family with never a bad thought or manipulation of anyone. They embrace everyone with wonderfully loving and supportive thoughts. I fondly remember meeting my ex-mother in law, she was gleefully happy and met me with a huge smile and warm hug. The next day there must have been 30 folks at her home to welcome me. Welcome introductions like the one I experienced at 24 are rare. I felt loved and welcomed by his family each and every day of my marriage even now after it ended many years ago and their son, brother, nephew and cousin remarried, That is an abnormal storybook tale and one that to this day still warms my heart. Unfortunately, it's not like that in all families, some meet with smiles, scorn, overt manipulation and toxicity. My favorite is why are them with them? Well, buckle up, I won't be answering that question, but I will share my thoughts on surviving family drama based on that question:

Every family has traditions. Traditions are stories that families write together. Family dynamics change and family stories change due to separations, divorce, death or the individuals’ grow apart.  Whatever the reason, it’s important to embrace the new person and blend family traditions by respecting everyone and allowing new and old traditions to change, emerge, grow and thrive. Here are my thoughts for blended families:

Let’s start with the dysfunctional reasons which hold families back from moving forward with bonding, blending and growing. This is the endless phase which I call dysfunctional family blending or blatant refusal to blend:

• Get over yourself! The new woman or man did not take him or her, they were gone long before they met the new person.

• It's really about dysfunctional, control, attention and overt manipulation of a person or person's life, not random ugliness. The choice is yours.

• They are the new you, him or her.  Respect her. Embrace her. Love her. Get to know her, but mostly:

• Stop blaming him or her, they did nothing to break them up. And if they did, email me for that list of my thoughts on that subject. smiles!

• Try getting to know them, ask questions, you may learn you have a lot in common, even better you may end up liking or loving her too.

• We should never not like someone because of what someone has shared about them. It’s unfair to them and extremely telling about the person or persons sharing negative information.

Get to know the new person.  Ask pertinent questions regarding their personal:

• values, goals, ambitions, education, life experiences, engagements, personality, and behaviors

• Listen to them with an open heart, find awareness and meaningful in them, try including them in family discussions, they may share interesting and relevant information.

• New people are people too, and there must be something about them makes your family member happy. You should respect not oppose, after all, who are you? What makes you think your opinion matters?

• Ignoring them is ignoring your family member and their selection. It also makes you look ugly, inconsiderate and unkind.

Advice for new family members:

• Proceed with caution. 

• Both sides are watching.

• You are being judged too.

Don’t fight the new person for your family member’s attention.  That is a battle, you will lose. You will look petty. Again, there must be something about them that makes your family members happy enough to keep them around.

• If you continue to refuse to acknowledge the person or question why they were chosen, you are the problem.

• Never make assumptions.  They chose them for a reason, and normally they will proudly share the reasons, but you must be willing to listen and accept with an open heart.

• You don’t have to agree with their reasons or like them, but you should respect them unless of course, they have done something unacceptable to YOU.

One day you could be in their shoes and karma is a bitch. 

• Relationships end, separations, and divorces happen every day. 

• You could be next. Ask yourself, would you want to be treated like you have treated them? I think not.

Ask the person or persons sharing negative thoughts or information with you, why? What is their end game? And why do you choose to listen to them?

• Instead of stalking the person’s social media: Instagram, Twitter, LinkedIn or Facebook, stalk them by starting conversations with her.  

Use your brain, who do you think they are going to admire most, you with your negative attitude or the new person who treats them with mutual respect?

• Also, don’t get caught up and use the excuse, it’s your mother, father, aunt, uncle, grandparent or in-law and you only wish to protect them. You don’t. Your controlling actions are about you and only you.

Remember they are together, the synergy is they go home with each other, sleep in the same bed, wake up together and are #1 when answering text and phone calls.

• Find and accept your place, when everyone is pushing back, the toxicity level increases.

• Stay in your lane, respect the dynamics of changing family positions.

• Be aware and mindful of others quietly watching your dysfunctional and toxic non-winning actions. 

• You can do this, trust me, real people with real hearts choose to love everyone in spite of obstacles.